2017 Archive

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Old man Clarence stood by the pond, lit a stick of dynamite, tossed it into the pond and scooped up the fish with a net as they floated to the surface.

After about the third stick of dynamite the game warden came roaring up just in time to see Clarence scoop up some more fish.
"What the hell do you think you are doing Clarence? You know that is illegal."

Clarence didn't say anything, just lit another stick of dynamite and gave it a toss.

The warden says "Clarence, we've been friends a long time, but if you do that again I'm going to have to arrest you."

Clarence lights another stick, hands it to the warden and says "Are you going to talk or are you going to fish?"

Specially for David

Thanks Savarin. When I was in Newfoundland I learned that they were the most friendly and accommodating people that I have ever met.

David

A polar bear cub goes up to his sister and asks if he is a proper polar bear. "Sure, she says. Mums a polar bear, Dads a polar bear, I'm a polar bear. You're a polar bear". Unconvinced, the cub goes to see his father. "Dad am I a proper polar bear? Do you think there's maybe a bit of brown bear in me? Nope says dad. Your mums a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, your sister's a polar bear, your a polar bear. But check with your mum if you want" So the cub does. "Mum, am I a proper polar bear? Any black bear in me? Or Grizzly? Nope says mum, I'm a polar bear, Your dad is a polar bear, You are a polar bear. Why do ask? says mum. The cub replies, "Because I'm freezing!"

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

Two atoms were walking down the street one day, when one of them exclaimed, "Oh no - I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" the other one asked. "Yes," replied the first one, "I'm positive."

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Tom

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!