• This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn more.
  • Untitled 1

    As promised, a formal announcement has been made regarding recent changes in the administrative staff here at H-M.

    Please take a few moments to go to our home page and review that announcement.

[4]

Today's Joke

[10] Like what you see?
Click here to donate to this forum and upgrade your account!

Bob Korves

H-M Supporter - Sustaining Member
H-M Supporter - Sustaining Member
Joined
Jul 2, 2014
Messages
4,202
Likes
4,400
The tax auditor went to the local church and talked to the pastor. "Mr. Smith says he donated $20,000 to your church this year. Is that correct?" The pastor responded, "Well if it is not true, it soon will be..."
 

terrywerm

HM Shop Foreman
Staff member
H-M Supporter - Sustaining Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2012
Messages
3,569
Likes
995
'They're watch dogs'! . . .
Where is that "groan" button?
How's this???

Groan Button.JPG

I know, I know, you can click on it all you want and nothing happens. Harsh reality, folks. Best we could come up with at the moment though. :grin:
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.
There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"
From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."
 
Last edited:

RJSakowski

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Feb 1, 2015
Messages
2,840
Likes
2,964
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
Certainly no worse than naming a couple of steers Hamburger and Sirloin or some turkeys Wishbone and Drumstick.
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"
 

tfleming

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2015
Messages
139
Likes
76
I went to my doctor for the annual oil change and lube physical. He walked into the examination room and I said, "Hey Doc, you're winning". He looked at me and said "what am I winning". I replied, "the gray hair race". He smile and said, "I think I'll use the elbow length glove today!". Nuff said.
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.

"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

"What's the matter now?"

the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's!
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.
 

682bear

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2016
Messages
96
Likes
197
True story...

Years ago, shortly after I got married, my wife was still in college... the telephone rang one afternoon, my wife answered it. It was the Financial Aid office at the college calling to notify her that they could not process her financial aid application because they didn't have her telephone number on file...

No, seriously, that actually happened!

-Bear
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
Blonde Bob was asked, "How many seconds there are in a year?"
He answered, "It's gotta be 12 seconds in a year - January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
 

CluelessNewB

Active Resistor
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
1,021
Likes
506
A manager wants to find and fix software bugs more quickly.
He offers an incentive plan: $20 for each bug the Quality Assurance
people find and $20 for each bug the programmers fix. (These are
the same programmers who create the bugs.) Result: An underground
economy in "bugs" springs up instantly. The plan is rethought after
one employee nets $1,700 the first week.
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
The owner and head of sales of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in Paris on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn’t understand a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.
Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.
After dinner, he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.
It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was utterly amazed and took her home. To this very day, he still doesn’t know how she guessed that he was a furniture salesman!
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
 

brino

Active User
H-M Supporter - Sustaining Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2014
Messages
2,882
Likes
2,694
A manager wants to find and fix software bugs more quickly.
He offers an incentive plan: $20 for each bug the Quality Assurance
people find and $20 for each bug the programmers fix. (These are
the same programmers who create the bugs.) Result: An underground
economy in "bugs" springs up instantly. The plan is rethought after
one employee nets $1,700 the first week.
That was "documented" here: http://dilbert.com/strip/1995-11-13 ;)
-brino
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.

"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."

"But I have to get off there!"

"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."

"Will that work?"

"It's worth a try."

As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.

As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"
 

savarin

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
1,608
Likes
2,094
Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this holiday season.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the
Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by yoyos who drink bottled water,
Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and garbage like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."
"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."
 

taycat

Active Member
Active Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2015
Messages
256
Likes
323
Subject: A Chuckle
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of... you
love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't
remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text
their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to
read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the ___ did you do now?
7. You're kidding, right ?
8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (my favorite)
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she???
 

taycat

Active Member
Active Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2015
Messages
256
Likes
323
Love a good Catholic joke ... (Mother Angelica)
An old nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
And so, she decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused...
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
" 'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."
 

savarin

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
1,608
Likes
2,094
On January 9th, a group ofPekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"


She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 

RandyM

H-M Supporter - Premium Member
Staff member
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2011
Messages
1,901
Likes
1,526
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Gainesville, and they see a sign on a store which reads, 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.'
Bubba says to his pal, 'Billy Bob, look here! We could buy gobs of these, take 'em back to Tallahassee, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we are from Florida.'
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, 'I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each,
50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'Ya'll played football for Florida State, didn’t y’all?'
'Well...yeah,' says a surprised Bubba.....'How come you knowed that?'
'Because this is a dry cleaners.'
 

savarin

Active User
H-M Supporter-Premium Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
1,608
Likes
2,094
My friend Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance.
• To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men......
 
[6]
[5] [7]