Son of a "B" tools

[BGHansen]

Edited email from a buddy; some are quite humorous and relate-able . . .

Bruce

SON OF A B***H TOOLS​

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.​

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.​

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.​

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.​

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.​

HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.​

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.​

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.​

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!​

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.​

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.​

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.​

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.​

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.​

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.​

 

[Ray C]

Here's one more:

FLASHLIGHT: A tube that holds dead batteries.

 

[Reddinr]

Lathe:

A multi-purpose tool; chuck key launcher, parting tool breaker, metal ruiner, razor wire maker, wallet emptier.

 

[4GSR]

Need to add to "STRAIGHT BLADE SCREWDRIVER" Used constantly for light to heavy duty prying until the tip of the blade pops off. And frequently used as a chisel when one is too lazy to go find one. Do I even own one?

 

[jim18655]

Toolbox:
Place to keep or carry every tool you have except the one you need.

 

[higgite]

Bench Lathe: A machine for making parts and accessories, usually of metal, for your bench mill.

Bench Mill: A machine for making parts and accessories, usually of metal, for your bench lathe.

Tom