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Today's Joke

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RandyM

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#1
Let's have a little fun. If you have a clean joke to share, post a way. Remember no politics.

Here is my contribution.

Travel Plans!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
 

Frank Ford

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#2
I was feeling gruntled until I read that. . .
 

wawoodman

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#4
And how come destructable and indestructable are opposites, but flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
:sherlock:
 

kvt

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#5
Why do you never Iron a shamrock.
 

kvt

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#6
You should never press your luck
 

Al 1

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#7
The poopagains are tiny creatures that chase you back into the house when trying to leave for work in the morning.
Yes, I coined it. Al :encourage:
 

Frank Ford

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#8
Why have a shamrock when you can have the real thing? . . .


nyuk, nyuk. . .
 

FOMOGO

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#9
What do you call a camel with no humps?
 

master of none

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#11
The problem with this country is apathy, but who cares .
 

savarin

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#12
pic is too small to read, will enlarge
wont show due to height restriction in forum.
 

Attachments

Last edited:

savarin

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#13
Its amazing what Galileo managed to achieve considering he was just a poor boy from a poor family.



(Queen?)
 

savarin

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#14
went to the Docs last week.
I said "Hey Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog".
He said "how long has this been going on?"
I said "Ever since I was a puppy"
He said "You better got on the couch then"
I said "Oh, I'm not allowed on the furniture".
 

higgite

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#16
“Are you uninformed and apathetic?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care.”

<bada bing, bada boom>

Tom
 

jpfabricator

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#17
I went to the DR. and he said the same thing he always said "Your overweight , and out of shape."
I said " You always say that, I think it's time I get another opinion!"
The DR. stares at me in silence for a bit then said in a very sarcastic voice
" OK, your over weight, out of shape, and ugly too."

Sent from my SM-S320VL using Tapatalk
 

mcostello

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#20
It's 2017 and I still have some of them symptoms.
 

jpfabricator

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#21
My Dr. also told me according to the weight to height ratio, I should be 7.5' tall. I said " So I'm under height, not over weight!"
He didn't think that was a funny as I did.

Sent from my SM-S320VL using Tapatalk
 

higgite

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#22
My doctor told me, "You need to get in shape."

I said, "But, Doc, pear IS a shape."

Tom
 

savarin

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#23
On my last visit to the docs he told me to stand by the window and stick my tongue out.
I asked "what on earth for? I've come about a foot problem"
He said " Its not for you its just I dislike my neighbors"
 

British Steel

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#25
Some of these remind me of my ex...

She went to the doctor once,
"Doctor, I forgot to take my contradictive pills!"

"Contradictive pills??? My God you're ignorant!"

"Yeah, about three months"

Dave H. (the other one)
 

RandyM

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#26
Here are a couple for ya today.

Chuckle.png



Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a
car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
 

CluelessNewB

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#27
What do the movies "Titanic" and "The Sixth Sense" have in common?




Icy dead people.
 

4GSR

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#28
Here are a couple for ya today.

View attachment 229327



Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a
car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
A buddy of mine sent the same one to me this morning. He was in Kroger instead of Costco, banned from there too!
 

strantor

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#29
This morning's 1hr drive to the urologist had me pondering some pretty deep stuff...

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 

markba633csi

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#30
Shempley's- is that where Moe and Larry shop? :D Nyuk Nyuk
MS
 
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