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A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane could take only two moose.
The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.
Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”
He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.
"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant yesterday, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one."
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the window."
One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.
His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract---tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:
'We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.'
As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:
'Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it.
'I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella.
'The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.
'Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you're satisfied.'
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was near by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I think you should try the ATM in the lobby."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Archie is lying in a hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
Through his mask, Archie struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, the nurse overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
A man walks into a pet store and asks, "How much is that parrot in the window?"
The store owner answers, "$1,000."
The man complains bitterly about how expensive that is and eventually the store owner says, "Wait here a minute."
He goes into the back of the store and comes back with another parrot that looks exactly identicle to the one in the window. He says, "You can have this one for $50."
Customer: "I'm no idiot. What is wrong with that parrot that it only costs $50."
Store owner: "Look at his beak. He has a large bump on his beak."
Customer: "What a great deal. I'll just cut that bump off and I'll have a parrot worth $1,000 for only $50."
Store owner: "Wait a minute! Wait a minute!. Parrots have a large blood vein in their beak. If you cut into it, he will bleed to death."
Customer: "No problem. I'm a precision machinist. I'll just shave that bump down to within a thousandth and then I'll have a parrot worth $1,000."
They complete the deal and the machinist walks out of the store with the parrot perched on his arm. It turns out that just next door to the pet store is a second hand store and in the window is a large parrot cage.
When he enters the store to buy the cage the second hand dealer immediately says, "I hate to tell you this buddy, but you got took. That parrot has a bump on his beak."
Machinist: "That's OK. I'll just shave it off."
Dealer: "Parrots have a large blood vessel ... etc. etc."
Machinist: "I'm a precision machinist ... etc. etc."
He buys the cage and goes to a farm supply store to buy some bird feed for his parrot. The feed salesman says, "Buddy, you got took on that parrot! Etc. etc."
The next day the machinist walks into the pet store and says to the owner, "Here is $1,000. Give me that parrot in the window."
Pet store owner: " I remember you. You bought that parrot with the bump on his beak. What happened to that parrot?"
Machinist: "Well, everything was going fine ... until I crushed his head in the vise."
An itinerant machinist was working his way across the country. He happened on a farm and thought he would ask the farmer for a some work.
"I'm a down on my luck machinist but I'm pretty handy with tools. Could you give me some work for a few days in exchange for some meals and a little traveling money?"
The farmer said "OK, I've got a mule behind the shed that needs shoes. If you do a good job with the shoeing, I think I can find some work for you. I've got to run into town now but the tools and shoes are in the shed. I'll be back in a couple of hours."
When the farmer got back he went behind the shed to inspect the shoeing job. The shoes were flawless, perfectly fit, and polished to a bright shine to boot. The farmer said "I'm impressed with your work. I don't believe I have ever seen a better shoeing job. I'm sure I can find some work for you. But tell me, why is my mule lying on his back with all four legs in the air?"
The machinist answered "I really don't know. He's been like that ever since I took him out of the vise."
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money.
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for tendollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
A high school English grammar teacher is lecturing his class on double negatives, that is, how two negatives in the same sentence actually convey a positive thought. For example, he says, ”If you say 'I don’t have no money', it means that you do have money.”
A student raises their hand and asks, “Well, what about double positives?” Teacher says, “There is no such thing as a double positive. You can’t put two positive terms together to make a negative. Try it.” At which time a student in the back says loudly, “Yeah, right.”
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me.
I say "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them yells "It's Whales you idiot."
So I said "OK, are you two whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much after that.
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Earl feared his wife Maxine wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to get a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, Maxine was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
So in a normal tone he asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
So Earl moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, “Maxine, what’s for dinner?” Still no response.
Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again, he got no response.
So, Earl walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Once more, there was no response.
He walked right up behind her. “Maxine, what’s for dinner?”
“Damn it, Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!”
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."