Today's Joke

jpfabricator

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Two brothers go to the unemployment office looking for work. The first goes in and after a short length of time comes out smiling, and tells his brother, "I got a job!"
The brother goes in with high hopes but is rejected due to his only skill is a tree cutter.
He asked the lady why his brother got a job, but he didn't? Her reply was " Your brother is a pilot, and there's a shortage of pilots in this area. That is why he got employment and you did not. "
The tree cutting brother said " Well if I don't cut no wood, he can't pile-it!"

Sent from my SM-S320VL using Tapatalk
 

vtcnc

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A midget went to her gynecologist with a complaint of burning and chaffing. The doctor took one look and said, "I can fix this right now if you want?"

"Yes please Doctor, I can't keep walking around with this burning feeling every day!"

The doctor returned a moment later with a large pair of scissors and made short work of the procedure. Snip -snip- snip!

"Ok that'll do it! Come back in a week and let me know how things go."

The lady hopped down from the table, exclaimed, "wow, I feel better already!", and she be-bopped out the door with a spring in her step.

She returned a week later per doctors orders and reported that things were back to normal and all healed up. "Doctor what did you do to fix me so quickly?"

The Doctor replied, "Oh it was no big deal, I just trimmed the tops of your boots."
 

FOMOGO

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A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
 

MozamPete

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After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo – and he doesn’t travel light – the chauffeur notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the chauffeur, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the chauffeur.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the chauffeur gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried chauffeur, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

“Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the chauffeur.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.

The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”

“Bigger.”

“Governor?” The Chief asked.

“Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

“I think it’s God!” the cop exclaimed.

“What makes you think that?”

“Well for one thing, he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur.”
 

FOMOGO

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A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
 

jim18655

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A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you but I don't want you starting anything!"
 

savarin

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This white horse goes into a bar, the barman says
"We have a drink named after you"
The horse says "What, Eric?"
 

savarin

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gorilla goes into a bar and orders a beer.
To make conversation the barman says "we dont get many gorillas in here" the gorilla replied " its not surprising, the beers crap"
 

savarin

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I went for a job on the building site but the foreman apologized and said he only employed Irish laborers.
I said well I'm Irish, my names Dare.
He said it didnt sound Irish so I told him everyone on this site knows me.
Prove it he said.
I went outside and called to the roofer on the house over the way
HEY, PADDY!
He leaned over the edge a shouted back
HELLO DERE!
 

RandyM

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An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor`s advice and after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she`d indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question, "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
 

savarin

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If you're a cannibal and you decide to eat a unique psychic, do you cook her medium rare?
Or do you just consider it well done that she didn't see you coming?
 

RandyM

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A blonde woman gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says..

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.


The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"
 

FOMOGO

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A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around." Mike
 

savarin

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I walked into a bar last week, I went "OUCH!" it was an iron bar.

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

I usually eat yeast and boot polish for supper so next morning I can rise and shine.
 

higgite

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A horse walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "Why the long face?"


A guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender, "Do you serve Irishmen?"
Bartender says, "Of course we serve Irishmen. Why wouldn't we?"
Man says, "Excellent! A shot of bourbon for me and an Irishman for my gator."

Tom
 

savarin

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and after a few more rounds the barman said "sorry but I've run out of Irishmen, Ive only got dwarves left, one of those"?
"Better not" said the man, "he gets vicious on shorts"
 

savarin

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After gator left I went in with my talking dog and tried to sell it.
After they all stopped laughing I said "Just ask him some questions and he will answer them"
First man:-"What does sandpaper feel like"
Dog:- Ruff (I didnt say he could spell)
Second man:- "If I set light to a can of gas what happens"?
Dog:- Woof
Third man:- "Whats on the top of that shed"?
Dog:- Roof
After they threw us out the dog turned to me and said "do you think I should have answered Corrugated iron"?

:laughing:I must stop this and actually do some work (and everyone :applause:)
 

RandyM

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The only cow in a small town in Tennessee stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Michigan, for $800.00.

They bought the cow from Michigan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Michigan ?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Michigan ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Michigan ."
 
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