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Today's Joke

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jim18655

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John and Mabel went for a walk in the park and after awhile they sat down
on a bench to rest. Just then they overheard voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. After listening for a few minutes, Mabel realized that a young man was about to propose to his girlfriend. Not wanting to eavesdrop on such an intimate moment, she nudged John and whispered, "whistle and let that young man know that someone can hear them" John said "whistle, why should I whistle,? Nobody whistled to warn me"
 

RandyM

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Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. “Grandpa pay the man.”
 

RJSakowski

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to take the day off and go fishing. The priest took the boat out to his favorite fishing spot and they started to get their gear set up.
"Oh, darn!" exclaimed the priest, "I left the bait on the dock, I'll run back and get it". With that, he jumped out of the boat and ran across the water, retrieved the bait, and ran back.
After a few hours, the Sun was really beating down. The minister said "we could really use some cold drinks I'll go get some" and with that, he jumped out of the boat and ran across the water, grabbed a six pack of soda, and ran back.
Another hour passed and fishing was slow. The rabbi said "why don't I fetch us some sandwiches" and with that, he jumped out of the boat and promptly sank to the bottom.
The minister looked at the priest and said "I guess we should have told him where the rocks are".
 

Cactus Farmer

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Caffeina, Goddess of Energy and Clear Thinking
The patroness of coffee, tea, and other caffeinated drinks or foods, Caffeina is the Roman goddess of energy, stamina, and determination. Usually portrayed as a beautiful woman rising from a coffee cup, the goddess Caffeina gives clear thought, energy and creativity.

Here is a legend about the origins of the goddess Caffeina:
During the third century there lived a Roman nobleman named Julianus. A good and pious man, Julianus was a follower of the Great Goddess and spent a great deal of time in meditation and prayer.
Goddess worship had fallen out of favor with the government and worshippers were often persecuted. Consequently, Julianus prayed only at night. Often he would get so weary that he fell asleep without finishing his prayers. He prayed that the Great Goddess would send him a way to stay awake at night to pray.
Artemis-barW.jpg
One day while he was out for a walk Julianus met a shepherd who was surrounded by a frolicking herd of leaping and dancing sheep. Julianus had never seen sheep behave like this.
Julianus asked the shepherd why the sheep were so lively. The shepherd pointed to a bush and explained that the sheep had started cavorting just after eating some of the beans growing on the bush.
Julianus plucked one of the beans and popped it in his mouth. He suddenly felt so energized that he wanted to dance too! The Goddess had answered his prayers!
So Julianus boiled the beans and made a beverage from them. The drink, of course, was coffee. It was quite tasty, and he decided that he would drink it every night. Now he found it easy to stay awake to pray and meditate. He thought "This must be a miracle sent by the goddess."
And so began the Romans' devotion to the goddess Caffeina.
Soon Julianus became the emperor of Rome (Julianus II). Even though he had been educated as a Christian, he worked to restore the paganism.
For this reason he is often called Julianus the Apostate. Following his death in Persia in 363 A.D., no other champion of religious freedom emerged to assume leadership and the empire returned to Christianity, as the only government sanctioned religion.
 

RandyM

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It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on abusiness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
 

savarin

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Inspecting Mirrors is a job i could really see myself doing.
I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I couldnt be a sniper. Not by a long shot.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Currently my flower business is blooming.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I tried being a baker but couldnt make enough dough.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I have given up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
 

Z2V

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It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on abusiness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

That’s BAD, I gave you a like anyway!
 

RandyM

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A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next

best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
 

jtrain

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A great pickup line that can be used on a girl, just ask any woman this question and she she'll fall right into your arms, "excuse me Miss does this cloth smell like chloroform?"
 

RandyM

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There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.She crashed into the car infront of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong? She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left,right, there is a tree. The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.
 

RandyM

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A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
 

RandyM

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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"
 

RandyM

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A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
 

ch2co

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My wife (a hearing aid user) ( the $3000 kind) loved this one. "Thats so true" she said laughing "so true".
Thanks, she usually doesn't think this forum is very funny, and no she's not a blond.

CHuck the grumpy old guy
 

RandyM

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A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline shouted, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazillian?"
 

Groundhog

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"How many is a Brazillian?" :laughing::laughing: an old favorite. HeHeHe!
 

RandyM

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Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
 

RandyM

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The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
 

RandyM

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As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one.
'No problem,' I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
'You can’t do that,' argued my four-year-old.
'Don’t worry. Santa will never know.'
He shot me a look. 'So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?'
 

Groundhog

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Turtles’.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.

The old farmer said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of fool put him up there to begin with.”
 

RandyM

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Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
 
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A new young bride called her mother, completely in tears. She cried, "Jason doesn't appreciate the things that I do for him."

Her mother said, "Don't take it so hard, dear, it was probably just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, I prepared a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed about the cost."

"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." her mother said. "Why would he be so upset?"

"He wasn't upset about the price of the turkey," she said. "He was upset about the airline ticket."

"Airplane ticket....? Why in the world did you need an airplane ticket?"

"Well mother, when I went to prepare the turkey roll, I followed the directions on the package. It said: 'Prepare from a frozen state' so I flew to Alaska."
 
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Two men are working in a machine shop, one is a grouchy old journeyman of 30 years experience, the other is a 25 year old apprentice.

The apprentice says, "My wife is an angel!"

The journeyman replies, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
 

RandyM

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy obliges and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.
The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."
 
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