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Today's Joke

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Wizard353

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Here are a couple for ya today.

View attachment 229327



Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a
car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
I heard that he stopped to sniff a poodle's behind when he got hit. Musta been someone else.
 

RandyM

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David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"
 

RandyM

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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Standstill! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head andkill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"
 
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MattM

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I was in Tolerant the other day, but I couldn’t abide the people there. I visited Consistent, but I just couldn’t keep going there. So I tried Appropriate, but that just didn’t seem right. I question whether I should visit Dubitable.
 

RandyM

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One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
 

RandyM

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 

savarin

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I asked a large windmill on a wind farm what his favorite music was.
He said he was a heavy metal fan.
 

savarin

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My wife asked for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner tonight.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
 

savarin

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Two blondes walking in a park when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blond said they were bear tracks.
The second blond said No, they are deer tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
 

RandyM

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On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she moves to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.

He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
 

Groundhog

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Ah Randy, I've heard that one before but never get tired of it - a classic insight to the (female) blonde mind!
 

RandyM

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There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
 

jim18655

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How many optometrist does it take to change a light bulb?

1 or 2?
1 or 2?
1 or 2?
 

Bob Korves

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The optometrist asked the Polish fellow to read line three on the test chart.
"Read it? I know that guy!"
 

savarin

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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
 

savarin

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I tried to get on a plane carrying two dead squirrels. The stewardess told me "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
 

savarin

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Did you see the marriage of the invisible man to the invisible woman?
Neither did I, and the kids were nothing to look at either.
 

savarin

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I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
 

savarin

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Is it worth telling a bald guy a hair-raising story?
 

RandyM

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TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
 

PHPaul

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Bert and Alden are sitting in their usual spot on the bench in front of the drug store.

Bert sez "Alden, you look kinda down today, what's the problem"

Alden sez "Well, I had ta shoot my dog this morning."

"Oh, that's a darn shame," sez Bert, "was he mad?"

"Well, he wasn't too pleased!"
 

jim18655

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TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K


Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Back when all the Y2K panic was happening I had a small program that would do that. it scanned your computer files and made you think it was changing all the "y"s in your file names to "k"s all in the name of checking Y2K compliance.
 

savarin

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I got hit by a truck carrying boxes of Omega 3 capsules yesterday.
I'm OK though as I only sustained super fish oil injuries.
 

Terry Werm

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I got hit by a truck carrying boxes of Omega 3 capsules yesterday.
I'm OK though as I only sustained super fish oil injuries.
That's it! We just GOTTA come up with a real life, honest to goodness, you betcha, sure enough, darn tootin' GROAN button.
 

Terry Werm

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TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense...
This isn't so much a joke, but rather a sudden realization. Most of us know what Y2K was and remember all the ruckus over it very well. It just dawned on me that we now have people in their 20's among us that have no idea what it was. Gosh we're getting old! :eek:
 
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cathead

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one but the light bulb has to want to change.:dancing banana:
 

RandyM

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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a sea faring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'
 
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