Today's Joke

Old Mud

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I Always mean what i say, i may not always mean to say it out loud But, I AlWAYS mean it !!!
 

BROCKWOOD

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So Thibodaux & Bubba got 'em a contract to build some super secret parts for a some hush hush government contract. They get their material list together & head on down to the metal supplier. Bubba walks in & tells the counterperson he needs 3" steel bars. OK, what type of steel? Bubba has to go outside to ask Thibodaux - cause he stayed out to handle client phone calls. Thibodaux tells him 30 pieces of 4130. So Bubba goes back in & tells the counterperson. Now the counterperson has to ask how long. So Bubba has go back & ask. When he returns, he tells the counterperson, "A real long time, cause it's for the government."
 

Boxster9

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LEARNING TO CUSS
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..
 

PHPaul

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I worked in IT for several years. I told anybody that would listen that I had an absolute, sure-fire, can't miss way to get insanely rich: Simply invent a programming language that did what you meant instead of what you said...
 

chi JBS

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Question... What do you call the person that graduates last in the class from medical school?





Answer.... Doctor
 

RandyM

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Reminder.

I know the jokes themselves are OK, but we need to be more restrictive on the language that is used, Please.
 

David S

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Randy first let me say that if I ever was to apply to be a moderator for this great forum, you would have been my mentor.

While I think I understand your comment on being a tad more restrictive on language, prior to that I was also wondering about the "Alzheimers" joke. I am sure that with our ageing population we may have members here that are in the initial stages of dementia or similar. Obviously we would never joke about another person's / members condition.

It just seems to me that today there are so many ways that someone can feel "offended", that it is difficult sometimes for us with good intentions, to navigate and balance the PC tight rope.

Thank you for the gentle reminder.

David
 

DHarris

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Old Mud - - been there, done that, and have the scars to remind me to NEVER do it again!
 

Bob Korves

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While I think I understand your comment on being a tad more restrictive on language, prior to that I was also wondering about the "Alzheimers" joke. I am sure that with our ageing population we may have members here that are in the initial stages of dementia or similar. Obviously we would never joke about another person's / members condition.
Lately I am getting poor at recalling names and also some common words. I make up for it by singing this song by The Who:
(1971)
I have changed the lyrics from "going mobile" to "going senile." No matter how bad things get, at some point we have to be able to laugh at ourselves and accept things just the way they are. There is still plenty of good life left in us old dogs, even with some undeniable flaws...
"Keep me movin..."
 

2volts

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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello ?"
"Is your daddy home?"

"Yes, he's out in the garden", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No." ;
So the boss asked, "Well, is your Mommy there?"
"Yes, she's out in the garden too."
The boss asked; "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman..."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men."

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"It's a helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive...
"The search team just landed a helicopter".

"A search team?'" said the boss. "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....


"ME"
 

2volts

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass ?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”
 

jim18655

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A woman is laying in the delivery room and starts yelling out "wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, can't."
Doctor what's wrong with me!
Doctor replies "Don't worry - they're only contractions."
 

RandyM

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I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said ...
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a darn?
 

PHPaul

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Eat healthy, avoid red meat, caffiene and alcohol, don't smoke, cut down on dairy and sweets, get lots of exercise, early to bed and early to rise.

You won't live any longer but it'll sure seem that way...
 

Pro70z28

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Eat healthy, avoid red meat, caffeine and alcohol, don't smoke, cut down on dairy and sweets, get lots of exercise, early to bed and early to rise.
Then get hit by a truck. :angel::eek:
 
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