Today's Joke

westerner

If you are gonna be stupid, ya gotta be TOUGH!
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A brunette is standing on a busy street corner, clapping her hands together, and chanting "87, 87,87" A blonde walks up, and asks "What are you doing?" The brunette answers, "O, this is great fun, you have got to try it!" So the blonde tries it for a while, then says "Gee, I don't know.... I am not having much fun." So the brunette says, "Step down off the curb a little, maybe its better there." Just then, a bus comes by and hits the blonde!
"88, 88, 88"
 

westerner

If you are gonna be stupid, ya gotta be TOUGH!
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So, the big day finally arrives, and the wedding is about to begin. Grandpa gets his grandson off to the side, and says "Son, today you have a big decision to make." The groom replies, "Gee, Grandpa, I already decided to marry her. What could be bigger than that?" Grandpa says "Today you must decide if you want to be HAPPY, or RIGHT."
 

westerner

If you are gonna be stupid, ya gotta be TOUGH!
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So, my wife is a Blonde, and told me more blonde jokes than I can remember....but these are all-time favorites of HERS

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? White-out on the screen.
What do you call three blondes sitting on a park bench? Wind tunnel.
Why do blondes always wear pony tails? Hides the valve stem
 

westerner

If you are gonna be stupid, ya gotta be TOUGH!
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My brother-in-law's dad was a big shot lawyer in Kansas, years ago, so I save these jokes for him-

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 75? Your Honor
What do you call a busload of lawyers on the bottom of the ocean? A good start
What do you call 3 lawyers buried up to their noses in cow poo? Not enough cow poo

I realize there may be more than a few lawyers that belong to this forum. In fact, some may be moderators, or even owners:eek 2:
Rest assured, these jokes were not about YOU:cautious:

Perhaps I should upgrade my account soon......
 

Old Mud

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the **** is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted. :eek 2: :grin:
 

Bob Korves

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I went on a tour of a rubber goods factory. The tour guide first brought us to a machine making baby bottle nipples. He asked us to listen to the machine, which was going thud, psss, thud, psss, thud psss. He said "Do you hear the "thud" followed by the "psss"? The thud is the nipple being formed, and the psss is the nipple being pierced."
Then he took us to another machine which was going thud, thud, thud, thud. psss, thud, thud, thud, thud psss. He told us it was a condom making machine, and said it works just like the other machine. One of the other people on the tour asked "Did you say this machine works just like the other one?" And the tour guide said "Yes, they are the same model machine." The person said doesn't that mean that every fifth condom is being pierced?" "Yes", the tour guide responded. "That is how we keep the nipple machine in full time production!"
 
Last edited:

RandyM

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A woman ran out of one of her prescriptions, so she hurried to the pharmacy to get the medication, but when she got back to her car she found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said: "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car and I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute, the car was open.

She hugged the man and through her tears said: "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied: "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD great or what!?
 

jim18655

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Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan , the other to Florida . They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach to play golf
At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."
"OK."
Ten years later at age 40 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
"OK."
Ten years later at age 50 they meet and play again."Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 60 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price”
"OK"
At age 70 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."
At age 80 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."
 

tq60

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New way to save money for the prison system.

Prisons state they do rehab to make the cons better people...

Saw this product today...seems a spray of this should do it...


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk
 

savarin

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I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food
 

tomw

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239
An Italian exchange student was staying with a family in Wisconsin. She noticed that before every meal they prayed. After a few weeks, she finally asked "Why do you pray before every meal?" The father replied "Don't the nice folks in Italy do the same thing?"

She replied "No, our mothers know how to cook."
 

westerner

If you are gonna be stupid, ya gotta be TOUGH!
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An Italian exchange student was staying with a family in Wisconsin. She noticed that before every meal they prayed. After a few weeks, she finally asked "Why do you pray before every meal?" The father replied "Don't the nice folks in Italy do the same thing?"

She replied "No, our mothers know how to cook."
My next door neighbor is a GREAT cook, big family, lots of entertaining. She has a hand-painted saying on the archway leading to her kitchen that says "Many have eaten here, and most survived"
 

jim18655

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593
Why do so many redneck murders go unsolved?


1. The DNA all matches
2. No dental records
 
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