Today's Joke


H-M Supporter - Sustaining Member
H-M Platinum Supporter
Dec 21, 2018
I buy qt. jars of jalapenos, chop them up to enhance the flavor of almost everything. Good flavor but I don't remember habaneros having any flavor.


Apr 23, 2018
Remember Atomic Fireball jawbreakers? We had a jar of'em at the secretary's desk. Over the weekend it would vaporize. My co-worker said to save the wrappers. Late Friday he filled up the jar. Monday morning he starts laughing and waves me over. In the trash can was this red goo. He'd stuffed the wrappers with red paintballs.


H-M Supporter - Gold Member
H-M Supporter Gold Member
Nov 3, 2019
I think it was a redo but Tesla did a great version of that song.


Retired old fart
H-M Supporter Gold Member
Jul 5, 2014
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, #$%*!"

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

"Son of a #$%*!!!" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a #$%*!!!" at the top of your lungs…..It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


H-M Supporter - Gold Member
H-M Supporter Gold Member
May 26, 2017
I have a similar "go figure" moment that may be humorous alloy. Our group had identified a 345KV Circuit Breaker (CB) at a power plant as failing. So a replacement was ordered. For some reason the failing CB was left in service though. In time the replacement arrived & was set to the side inside the yard awaiting a scheduled outage. 1 night, before the outage was scheduled & while a plant hand was on the 7th floor of the Unit's Mezzanine (perhaps enjoying the view) the old CB failed violently & launched itself. Now the hand on the 7th floor saw this & swears that CB launched up as high as he was - all 30,000 pounds (if not more). Once in a lifetime experience right? All things must come back down as the saying goes. BUT, did it have to land on the replacement CB & destroy it? Yes it did!!!!!!!
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