Today's Joke

Old Mud

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She threatened me, "If you buy another machine you'll never get another good nights sleep" !! :eek:
 

mmcmdl

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The old farmer had a large pond in the back,fixed up nicely with
picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming
when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it
over. He hadn’t been there for awhile. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny
dipping in his pond.As he approached, he made the women aware of his
presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.”

The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked,or to make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up in the air, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Some old men can still think fast!
 

jbobb1

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A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am."

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook
 

jbobb1

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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny......but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.
 

GoceKU

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HAHA. That is a Lada Samara probably in Russia, i don't think he has heard about PPE.
 

Old Mud

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Woman takes her vehicle to the dealership, -my handbrake is not working. - Mechanic, No problem the brake shows are a bit worn but i added few spacers the brakes are good as new.
Must have run out of EMT. :)
 

GoceKU

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I've seen something even worse rigged up by a Volkswagen dealership using larger nuts and old bearings, with the rear drums making so much noise like a train was stopping, that metal on metal sound and the driver taught honorably her car is fine, and was surprised to find herself in a ditch a week later with one back tire locked up.
 

ELHEAD

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I hope this the proper place to post this. International Pronouns Day is coming on Oct. 21. How will you be celebrating?
Don't get me wrong, but I don't and never had any problem with people having to ask before they called me ,he or him.
I thought this was a joke when I saw a reference to it. Soooooo if in doubt look it up. My how times have changed?
Dave
 

derf

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Woman Shot in the Head

Babs Burnett, 23 and a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while
there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her
husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running
and the windows rolled up. Her eyes were closed and both hands were behind
the back of her head. Concerned, he rushed over to the car. He noticed that
Babs’ eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked if she
was okay; Babs replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to
her, it actually had been 15 minutes.)

The husband called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Babs refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
finally got in they found Babs had a wad of bread dough on the back of
her head. From the back seat a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
the heat making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot and the wad of
dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what
it was she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
out but quickly recovered.

Babs is blonde
 
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alloy

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.



In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Football, Nascar and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

......................................................................................................


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
 
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