Today's Joke

vtcnc

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Hey guys, Today's Joke thread is a favorite of many members here. Please bear in mind that many people find refuge here at this site because it is politics free. The last post was not so much of a joke as it was a modern parable of some sort which is skirting the line on politics. Election season is upon us and we aren't dragging that crap into the forum. So, stick to the rules please - keep it funny, family friendly and out of the political/ideological arena - so we don't have to start moderating flame wars and deleting posts in a joke thread.

Thanks everyone.
 

savarin

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A welder was on a plane when it suddenly started suffering mechanical problems.
The flight attendant started passing out parachutes and when she got to the welder she asked him if he wanted one.
He replied, "Nah, I've got my welding lead with me. It'll get tangled up on something before we hit the ground."
 

savarin

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An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.
The mechanical engineer says, “It’s probably a mechanical problem. I'll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it.”
The electrical engineer says, “No, I'll bet it's an electrical problem. I have my multimeter with me and I'll go check it out.”
Finally, the software engineer says, “I have the solution! Let's all get out of the car and then get back in. I'll bet we'll be back on the road in no time.”
 

RJSakowski

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An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.
The mechanical engineer says, “It’s probably a mechanical problem. I'll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it.”
The electrical engineer says, “No, I'll bet it's an electrical problem. I have my multimeter with me and I'll go check it out.”
Finally, the software engineer says, “I have the solution! Let's all get out of the car and then get back in. I'll bet we'll be back on the road in no time.”
First they should close all the windows and then reopen them.
 

RJSakowski

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Seeing Dave's post (https://www.hobby-machinist.com/threads/why-i-bought-a-mill.82517/) reminded me of this one.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".
The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing."
 

tjb

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Seeing Dave's post (https://www.hobby-machinist.com/threads/why-i-bought-a-mill.82517/) reminded me of this one.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".
The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing."
Good thing Dave didn't run into that guy when he decided to buy a mill.
 

savarin

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I went for a job as a handyman once.
The boss said "Excellent we need some glazing work done asap"
Me: "Ohh. I cant cut glass"
Boss: "What about woodwork, "
Me: "I try but cant cut straight"
Boss: "welding?"
Me: "Naa, the bits just dont stick together"
Boss: "how about gardening?"
Me: "I hate that stuff"
Boss: "I thought you said you were a handyman?"
Me: "I am, I live just round the corner"
 

Bi11Hudson

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Love the photo. On the spot. I logged on just to get a copy. One of my own I didn't buy, my brother sent me a copy. I'm not sure but it looks like my nephew modeling. We've all been in one or another maintenance crafts for years. Him communications, me industrial. His sons the same.
Hudson.JPG
 

Downunder Bob

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And how come destructable and indestructable are opposites, but flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
:sherlock:
Actually Flammable and inflammable are opposites as they should be, but owing to massive misuse by the petroleum majors, they have miss-educated the general public who no longer know the difference.

When I was studying Marine Engineering at uni, in the combustion laboratory we were very quickly disabused of the popular usage, and were forbidden to use inflammable, the instructions were quite clear, it was either Flammable or Non Flammable.
 

Ken from ontario

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This is a copy and paste from our local classified(Kijiji):

2 Females Looking for Work

Posted 7 minutes ago

Bold St, Hamilton, ON L8P 1V6, Canada(View Map)


Description
We are a partnership that is willing to help with whatever you may need help with. We can also do demolitions for renovations or after cleanup. Just bought a house but previous tentants left a bunch of stuff behind? We can help with physical labour removal of any hoarding situation. Need help with something that isn't listed? PLEASE MESSAGE US FOR FURTHER INQUIRIES **WE ARE NOT PROSTITUTES PLEASE DO NOT MESSAGE WITH SEXUAL FAVORS** YOU WILL BE IGNORED SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY PLEASE
 

aliva

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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me." He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty ****** off. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, "You lying bastard!!! You've been fishing again!!!"
 
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