2017 Archive

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An old man in his mid eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, observing her husband’s odd behaviour, asks, “Where are you going?”



He replies, “I’m going to the doctor”.

She says, “Why, are you sick?”

He says, “Nope, I’m going to get some viagra”

Immediately, the wife starts positioning herself to get out of her rocking chair and begins putting her coat on.

He asks “Where the hell are you going?”

She answers, “I’m going to the doctor too”.

He says, “Why, what do you need?”

She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!”
 
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?"

The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
 
A guy sits down at the bar and orders several drinks in rapid succession.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks .

�My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!�

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well,Maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?�


"Yeah he says, But today is the last day.�
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
 
he pilot of an Aer Lingus flight approaching Shannon airport was heard to say
"I hate this airport, look how short the runway is"
And the flight engineer replied
"But look how wide it is".
 
As long as we're picking on us poor Irish folk.

Pat and Mike was walking through the graveyard one night on their way home, when they came across a tombstone that read: Here lies a politician and an honest man.

“Faith now!” exclaimed Pat to Mike, “I wonder how they got the two of them in the one grave?”
 
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