2017 Archive

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A machinist walks up to a engineer and asks him to hold out his hand.
He then pours a handful of chips into the outstreched palm.
"What's this ?" said the engineer?
"The one inch hole you wanted in the 3/4" rod "

I guess that really means the engineer should have asked a blacksmith to do it since I have seen a specific demonstration by our instructor of a 5/8" hole put into a piece of 1/2" bar stock. :) Just takes a little heat and the right tools.
 
A boy was walking from a pond with a bucket full of illegal fish when a fish warden stopped him.
What's in the the bucket? asked the warden
They're my pet fish.
Pet fish? asked the warden
Yep, every day I take them down to the pond for a swim and when I'm ready to leave I slap the water and they swim back into the bucket and we go home.
Show me, said the warden, I have to see this.
The boy walks back to the pond and dumps the fish in the water and they swim away.
OK, says the warden, now call those fish back.
What fish? says the boy
 
Scarecrows make the best machinists because they are outstanding in their field.
But the promises of some machinists are pure fabrication.
 
And how come destructable and indestructable are opposites, but flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
:sherlock:
Actually when I was studying engineering I was told that inflammable does in fact mean non flammable, but it has been misused so many times it has become misunderstood. we were taught to always use flammable and non flammable to avoid confusion. It was suggested that the original mistake was taken from the word inflame, but that has little or nothing to do with combustion. It was also suggested that the petroleum industry is responsible for the misunderstanding, because they always put Highly Inflammable signs on their tanker trucks.
 
He was from Texas and he needed a loan.
So he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan,so he handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.He produced the title and everything checked out.The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest...He reluctantly agreed & left with the loan.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of the man from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later the man returned & paid the $5,000 as well as the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said,"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely,but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M,a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater,Texas.What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow a mere $5,000 from this New York bank?"
The good 'ole boy replied,"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
 
I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”

I told him, “I wish I had your will power!”
 
A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations, but, he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
 
Hope this passes the moderators:
Two guys were out hunting and one stepped behind a tree to relieve himself and got a snake bite. His buddy said he'd run back to where he had cell phone coverage and call a doctor. He told the doctor what happened and the doctor told him he had to cut the fang marks and suck out the poison or his friend would die. He runs back to his friend and the friend asked what the doctor said. "Your gonna die" was the reply.
 
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone, he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His friend turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest, most respectful things I've ever seen." Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 35 years."
 
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