2017 Archive

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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
 
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (Giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
 
I went to the doctors office today (for real) and I told him the hunter joke .... the one about his apparent dead buddy and the Dr then counters with this one:

A doctor gets a call from a frantic woman stating that her young boy has swallowed a rubber (prophylactic) and its an emergency. He agrees and says he will be right over.

A few minutes later he gets another call from the same woman and she says not to bother coming over ......... she found another one.
 
Went to the doc a few years ago for a sore back and pain running down my leg. He said I had a ruptured disk and would require surgery. I told him I'd like to get a second opinion and he said, "Okay, you're ugly, too."

Tom
 
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
 
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

"Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back."
 
Marketing definitions

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.


* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.


* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."

That's Telemarketing.


* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.


* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.


*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.


* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.


* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.


* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and
grabs your ass.

That's Donald Trump.


* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America !
 
I went to Bass pro sporting goods yesterday, to do some ammo shopping. When I was ready to pay for my purchase, the cashier pointed and said strip down facing me.
So making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amuck, I did just as she instructed.
When the hysterical screaming and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I was to insert my credit card into the card reader.
After I pulled my pants up they asked me to shop elsewhere.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear.
 
I was in a public toilet yesterday and the man beside me told me to stop behaving like a little boy. So I pulled my underpants and shorts up from around my ankles.....
 
Then there was Father Nolan. He wanted to skip the Sunday Mass nd play golf. He asked the young priest to take his place. It was agreed to.
Father Nolan drove 40 miles away to play so no one would see him. At the time St. Peter and God were having a chat when St. Peter spotted Father Nolan arriving on the ninth tee. He asked God if he was just going to let Father Nolan get away with playing golf and not serving the Mass? God said well maybe you are right. All of a sudden WHACK, off went the ball 450 yards landing 2 inches from the hole and rolling in for a hole in one. Puzzled. St. Peter asked God why he did nothing. God said. you know I should have but then I thought, who is he gonna tell?
 
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