2017 Archive

Status
Not open for further replies.
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
 
A man celebrates his 80th birthday at the bar with a scotch and 2 drops of water.
The man to his right offers to buy him a birthday drink, and the birthday boy orders a scotch and 2 drops of water.
Another patron buys him a birthday round, and again he orders a scotch and 2 drops of water.
The bartender is overcome with curiosity and asks why only 2 drops? He replied,"At my age I have learned to hold my liqueur, but holding my water ain't that easy."

Sent from my SM-S320VL using Tapatalk
 
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
 
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The blonde says, "Oh! I could use something like that!! I'll take it!"
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, "I just got this yesterday, isn't it wonderful!
It's a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
The boss asks, "And what do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Some coffee and a popsicle."
 
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.

She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.

After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
 
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
 
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours.
He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil.
When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.
 
An old woodsman finally decides he's too old to continue cutting his trees with simple axe and saw.

On his next trip to town he finds a new chain-based saw that is advertised to allow one man to cut several cord per day.
He lays out his cash and takes his new saw home.

The following week he is back at the dealer to complain that he was only able to cut 1/2 cord of wood per day with the new saw.
The dealer takes the saw back for an overnight service, promising to investigate.
He cleans the filters and sharpens the blade. He checks the gas and oil and the saw tests fine.

The old man reluctantly tries the saw for another week and never gets beyond his 1/2 cord per day.
He again takes the saw back to the dealer and complains.
The dealer asks him to come out back so they can try the saw together.

On the first pull of the cord the chain saw roars to life........and the old woodsman jumps back and yells "What's that noise?"
 
Two guys go Elk hunting, they park their truck and walk about a quarter mile, see and shoot this big male Elk with a nice big rack of antlers. So they each grab a hind leg and start pulling it back to the truck, but they are having a hard time because the antlers a catching in the under brush. So one suggests that they grab the antlers and pull, what a great idea they thought. After a while one guy says to the other, this is much easier pulling, yeah it sure is, but we are getting farther away from the truck.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top