2018 Archive

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Bert and Alden are sitting in their usual spot on the bench in front of the drug store.

Bert sez "Alden, you look kinda down today, what's the problem"

Alden sez "Well, I had ta shoot my dog this morning."

"Oh, that's a darn shame," sez Bert, "was he mad?"

"Well, he wasn't too pleased!"
 
RandyM said:
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K


Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Back when all the Y2K panic was happening I had a small program that would do that. it scanned your computer files and made you think it was changing all the "y"s in your file names to "k"s all in the name of checking Y2K compliance.
 
RandyM said:
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense...
Click to expand...

This isn't so much a joke, but rather a sudden realization. Most of us know what Y2K was and remember all the ruckus over it very well. It just dawned on me that we now have people in their 20's among us that have no idea what it was. Gosh we're getting old! :eek:
 
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one but the light bulb has to want to change.:dancing banana:
 
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a sea faring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'
 
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"
 
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly".
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
 
In the Beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was completely without substance. And darkness was upon the faces of the workers. And the workers spake amongst themselves saying: It is a crock of s**t and it stinketh, And the workers went unto the supervisors saying: It is a pail of dung and none can abide the odor thereof. And the supervisors went unto the managers saying: It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength. And the directors spake amongst themselves saying: It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong. And the directors went unto the vice presidents saying: It promoteth growth and it is very powerful. And the vice presidents went to the President saying unto him: This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company and in these areas in particular. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. This is how s**t happens. Anon.
 
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