2019 Archive

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why did the chicken cross the road??
To get to the idiots house.


Knock knock
who's there?
the chicken
 
Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates into Heaven.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky so I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.

Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst ..."I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows who arrived here just before you."
“I don't know" says the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest........
 
I took my mate home for dinner after work yesterday, unannounced.
My wife started screaming but my mate just sat there listening.
She went on and on about My hair is not done, the house is a mess, the sinks full of dishes,
I'm not cooking and I'm still in my Pj's, why on earth did you bring him home?
"Well" I said "He's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo"!
 
“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

― Steven Wright
 
Don't you just love

.




A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million dollars.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the ball$ to pull the trigger."



Don't you just love lawyers?
 
A guy buys a lie detector robot and wants to use it at the dinner table with his family. He asked his son what movie he watched over his friends house? he said gone with the wind, the robot slaps his face, he said ok sorry, I watched porno. The dad said that I didn't even know there was such a word when I was your age! the robot slapped his face. The wife started laughing and said he's your son, the robot slapped her face.
 
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