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Today's Joke

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RandyM

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The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go
down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet..

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going down the pub with me ?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE PUB WITH ME?"

.....
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my shoes on!"
 

RandyM

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This morning I was beaten up by a woman.
I was in an elevator when this beautiful, busty woman got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"

I don't remember much after that, I wish women would be more clear on
what they want!
 

ch2co

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T.B. "I hate my job!"

T.P. " Seriously?"
 

rwm

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Whenever you get on a commercial airplane you should always take a bomb on board with you...'cause what are the odds of there being two bombs on the same plane????
R
 

RJSakowski

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The party's getting rough!:party:
 

RandyM

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Life explained!



On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That’s a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said “That's kind of hard to want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, “Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
 

RandyM

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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 

savarin

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Skeptic's Guide to Abbreviations

NATO - New Atlantic Terrorist Organization
CIA - Cocaine Importing Agency
NSA - National Spy Agency
DHS - Dept. of Horrors and Scares
 

savarin

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An old man in his mid eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, observing her husband’s odd behaviour, asks, “Where are you going?”



He replies, “I’m going to the doctor”.

She says, “Why, are you sick?”

He says, “Nope, I’m going to get some viagra”

Immediately, the wife starts positioning herself to get out of her rocking chair and begins putting her coat on.

He asks “Where the hell are you going?”

She answers, “I’m going to the doctor too”.

He says, “Why, what do you need?”

She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!”
 

RandyM

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Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?"

The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
 

Sleddog

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Thanks everyone for the morning smiles!
 

RandyM

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A guy sits down at the bar and orders several drinks in rapid succession.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks .

�My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!�

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well,Maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?�


"Yeah he says, But today is the last day.�
 

savarin

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
 

savarin

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he pilot of an Aer Lingus flight approaching Shannon airport was heard to say
"I hate this airport, look how short the runway is"
And the flight engineer replied
"But look how wide it is".
 
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