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Today's Joke

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RandyM

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Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't
remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know
exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my truck.

Sergeant:
What kind of truck was it?

Husband:
A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special
ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air
conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which
has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and
"Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special
wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver,
23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power
outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has
custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up. . .
. .

Sergeant:

Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
 

rzbill

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A machinist walks up to a engineer and asks him to hold out his hand.
He then pours a handful of chips into the outstreched palm.
"What's this ?" said the engineer?
"The one inch hole you wanted in the 3/4" rod "
I guess that really means the engineer should have asked a blacksmith to do it since I have seen a specific demonstration by our instructor of a 5/8" hole put into a piece of 1/2" bar stock. :) Just takes a little heat and the right tools.
 

jim18655

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A boy was walking from a pond with a bucket full of illegal fish when a fish warden stopped him.
What's in the the bucket? asked the warden
They're my pet fish.
Pet fish? asked the warden
Yep, every day I take them down to the pond for a swim and when I'm ready to leave I slap the water and they swim back into the bucket and we go home.
Show me, said the warden, I have to see this.
The boy walks back to the pond and dumps the fish in the water and they swim away.
OK, says the warden, now call those fish back.
What fish? says the boy
 

savarin

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Scarecrows make the best machinists because they are outstanding in their field.
But the promises of some machinists are pure fabrication.
 

Downunder Bob

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And how come destructable and indestructable are opposites, but flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
:sherlock:
Actually when I was studying engineering I was told that inflammable does in fact mean non flammable, but it has been misused so many times it has become misunderstood. we were taught to always use flammable and non flammable to avoid confusion. It was suggested that the original mistake was taken from the word inflame, but that has little or nothing to do with combustion. It was also suggested that the petroleum industry is responsible for the misunderstanding, because they always put Highly Inflammable signs on their tanker trucks.
 

RandyM

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He was from Texas and he needed a loan.
So he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan,so he handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.He produced the title and everything checked out.The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest...He reluctantly agreed & left with the loan.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of the man from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later the man returned & paid the $5,000 as well as the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said,"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely,but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M,a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater,Texas.What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow a mere $5,000 from this New York bank?"
The good 'ole boy replied,"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
 

savarin

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I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”

I told him, “I wish I had your will power!”
 

RandyM

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A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations, but, he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
 

jim18655

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Hope this passes the moderators:
Two guys were out hunting and one stepped behind a tree to relieve himself and got a snake bite. His buddy said he'd run back to where he had cell phone coverage and call a doctor. He told the doctor what happened and the doctor told him he had to cut the fang marks and suck out the poison or his friend would die. He runs back to his friend and the friend asked what the doctor said. "Your gonna die" was the reply.
 

RandyM

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Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone, he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His friend turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest, most respectful things I've ever seen." Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 35 years."
 

RandyM

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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
 

RandyM

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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (Giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
 

HBilly1022

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I went to the doctors office today (for real) and I told him the hunter joke .... the one about his apparent dead buddy and the Dr then counters with this one:

A doctor gets a call from a frantic woman stating that her young boy has swallowed a rubber (prophylactic) and its an emergency. He agrees and says he will be right over.

A few minutes later he gets another call from the same woman and she says not to bother coming over ......... she found another one.
 

higgite

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Went to the doc a few years ago for a sore back and pain running down my leg. He said I had a ruptured disk and would require surgery. I told him I'd like to get a second opinion and he said, "Okay, you're ugly, too."

Tom
 

RandyM

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John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
 

savarin

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A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

"Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back."
 

savarin

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Marketing definitions

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.


* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.


* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."

That's Telemarketing.


* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.


* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.


*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.


* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.


* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.


* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and
grabs your ass.

That's Donald Trump.


* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America !
 

pineyfolks

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I went to Bass pro sporting goods yesterday, to do some ammo shopping. When I was ready to pay for my purchase, the cashier pointed and said strip down facing me.
So making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amuck, I did just as she instructed.
When the hysterical screaming and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I was to insert my credit card into the card reader.
After I pulled my pants up they asked me to shop elsewhere.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear.
 

12bolts

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I was in a public toilet yesterday and the man beside me told me to stop behaving like a little boy. So I pulled my underpants and shorts up from around my ankles.....
 

Bill Gruby

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Then there was Father Nolan. He wanted to skip the Sunday Mass nd play golf. He asked the young priest to take his place. It was agreed to.
Father Nolan drove 40 miles away to play so no one would see him. At the time St. Peter and God were having a chat when St. Peter spotted Father Nolan arriving on the ninth tee. He asked God if he was just going to let Father Nolan get away with playing golf and not serving the Mass? God said well maybe you are right. All of a sudden WHACK, off went the ball 450 yards landing 2 inches from the hole and rolling in for a hole in one. Puzzled. St. Peter asked God why he did nothing. God said. you know I should have but then I thought, who is he gonna tell?
 

savarin

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Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”

Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”

God said, “An arm and a leg…”

Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
 

savarin

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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
 

brino

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A couple decided to take up back-country hiking and camping. Not being particularly "outdoorsy" they went to a well known outfitter store. They got the latest equipment from backpacks and tents to water filters and stoves. The last concern they had before leaving the store was about what to do about bears.

The salesman explained that they sold some products to help. They had bells they could wear on their packs to warn the bears so they would not surprise one on the trail. They also had pepper spray just in case they did meet a bear.

They asked how they could tell if there was actually any bears around. The salesman said that the best sign to know if there are bears around was their scat (poop).

The couple asked how they would know if it was bear scat or not.

The salesman replied that they could recognize bear scat as it was usually full of little bells and smelled like peppers.
 

savarin

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I bought a deodorant stick. It said remove cap and push up bottom,
I did that. I can't walk very well, but my farts smell fantastic.
 

RandyM

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
 
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