2017 Archive

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Two men bump into each other in a store aisle. The old man apologizes and tells the young man that he's looking for his wife and wasn't watching where he was going. The young man replies that he also was looking for his wife. The old man says maybe they should team up and look together. He asks the young man to describe his wife. He tells him" she's about 5' 6'', 130 lbs. long blond hair, large breasts and wearing short-shorts and a tight shirt. "What does your wife look like?" the young guy asks. The old man says "never mind right now, lets find your wife first."
 
A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions. Each one of them thought they had this in the bag.
The physician said, 'Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.'
joke, profession.
The engineer replied, 'But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.'
joke, profession
Then, the politician spoke up. 'Yes yes, this is all well and true.' he said.
'But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?'
 
A blond moved to the country and decided she wanted to have a chicken farm. She went to the farm store and bought 500 chicks. Two days later she went back and got 500 more. Third day she's back in the store getting another 500. The clerk said he must have a awfully large farm to raise all those chickens. She replied " not really, they keep dieing on me. I just can't figure out if I'm planting them too deep or not deep enough."

Hard to keep thinking of jokes I can post. Most that I can remember aren't family friendly. ;)
 
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
 
I entered a local newspaper's pun contest once.
I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
Love these jokes, but having spent an number of years living in Newfoundland....I am surprised that there are no Newfy jokes.

David PS I am not a joke teller
 
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"
 
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