2017 Archive

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This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.
They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.
If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
 
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
 
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
 
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"
 
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
 
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're a##holes!"
 
I was walking through Chinatown the other week totally fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
I turned a corner and saw a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", I wondered, how the heck does that fit in here.
So I went inside and saw an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
I asked him, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?"
He answered "Is name of owner."
I then asked, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" I asked
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center.
Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, "Sem Ting."
 
A college professor was talking to his class about ghosts and asked "how many of you thinks ghosts exist?"
Most of the class raised their hand.
"How many have seen a ghost?" was the next question.
About half of the class raised their hand.
"Has any one ever made love to a ghost?" he asked.
One redneck-farmer student raised his hand in the back of the classroom.
The professor was excited and called him down in front of the class and asked him what it was like to make love to a ghost.
The student got a puzzled look and replied "I thought you were asking about goats."
 
Just a friendly reminder, every one.

I have been contacted that we are pushing the line on some of these. I know there are varying degrees of offensiveness and we may have already done that, but I'd hate to see the fun come to an end. Let's keep them clean. A good rule to follow is, would you tell this joke around the family dinner table. OK I know, that still isn't a good gage for some, but I think you know what I mean. :aok:
 
Randy that is a great gentle reminder well done.
I guess I am a more liberal type of person on the + 3 sigma side.

Many years ago I made a discovery that no one could offend me. After a lot of reflection and consideration it became apparent that someone else was perhaps trying to offend. And then after more reflection, and thought I learned that some folks just say stuff with no intent to offend at all. They just want to express themselves.
I believe that offensiveness is in the eye of the beholder. In other words people let themselves be offended..

Having said all this. We want to keep this great Joke thread alive and ...well full of humour.

David
 
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