2022

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Try this one then

James from Bulgaria loved trains since he was a boy. He particularly loved how fast they could go. As a child he enjoyed playing with model trains and even owned an old conductors hat that he wore everywhere.

When he grew up he worked very hard and eventually became a train driver. And he loved it. He finally felt he was where he needed to be.

One day he was driving his train and he remembered that the speed of the trains was what brought him to the business. And since there was only a few passengers on his morning route, he decided to go above the regulated speed. The train was derailed and crashed in a field. James was fine thankfully but unfortunately one passenger died.

Now the charge for manslaughter in Bulgaria is execution by electric chair. So James served his time and when we was asked what he would like for his last meal, he said:
"I'd like one banana"
So the guard, slightly baffled, served him a banana and marched him to his death. The executioner flipped the switch and to everyone's surprise, James was fine.

James said "I've served my time and faced my execution. So I suppose I should be released."

And so he was. But on the outside James had a hard time getting a job until a friend approached him and told him that they were short staffed on train drivers so he could get him a job but he would have to stick to regulation. He agreed, and started driving trains a few days later. And all went well until one day he was running late and a business man who was running late for a meeting began berating James to go faster. And so he went a small bit faster than regulation.

The train was derailed again and this time two passengers died. James was arrested and when he was asked about his last meal he said:

"I'll have two bananas since I killed two people" And he ate the two bananas and was marched off once again to the electric chair.

The executioner flipped the switch and again, James survived. So he was set free.

So James did some soul searching and determined he wasn't fit to drive trains. So he decided that he would be in charge of safety measures and regulations. And after studying for a few years he did just that.

So on a routine inspection of a train he decided to drive it to know just how safe it was. And he decided that since there was nobody on the train he would push it to it's limits so he could know how to effectively put dampeners on it. So he drives as fast as he can and the train is derailed. But he didn't realise there were three engineers on the train who were all killed. Which inevitably led to his arrest.

So when it came to his last meal, without asking, he was served mushroom soup. The guard said:

"Just eat the soup. Because we don't know how you do it but you're not getting your magical ******* bananas!"

So James ate his soup and was marched to the electric chair. He sat in the chair and the switch was flipped. Miraculously he survived again.

The executioner, astounded, asked:

"How did you survive without the bananas?"

And James replied:

"It had nothing to do with the bananas. I'm just a bad conductor"
 
Or this one

A woman is pregnant in her teens...finally gives birth to two healthy twin boys. She’s young, and destitute, and knows she can’t take care of them or provide for them, and after a bit of soul searching she makes the heartbreaking decision to give the two boys up for adoption. Over the years she kept track of the twins; one was adopted by a well-to-do family in Dubai. They named him Amahl; they own an exporting conglomerate and her son would never want for anything, and was given the best education a man could ever need, and access to resources that she could never dream of. The other twin was adopted by a family in Mexico who name him Juan. The family owns a lot of land and runs a huge produce operation that ships their products all around the globe. As wrenching as that heartbreaking decision was years ago, she was relieved to know that her boys grew up to be healthy young men with all the life opportunities in front of them that she could in no way have provided. They’re living beautiful lives, and that thought provided her with some some small consolation over the years.

Fast forward 25 years later. The young girl is now a happily married woman... but there hasn’t been a day since she gave those boys up for adoption that she hasn’t thought of them.
And one day, she receives a letter from Juan. He had tracked her down and sent her a letter, and he included a recent picture of himself. He wrote that some day maybe he would try to visit. And she cried and cried and cried. She told her husband the story of the beautiful twin boys that she had given birth to such a long time ago; the story that she had hidden from him for all that time...the shame she felt, and the years of longing that only a heartbroken mother could know, or endure. She cried at how Juan had become such a handsome young man and how she wanted to see her other son to which her husband replied; “Honey, There’s no reason to; if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl".
 
Fred sent a text to his neighbor Jack one day with a heartfelt confession. It read:
"Jack, we have been friends for a long time, and I can no longer face you if I dont come clean. You see, years ago my wife went out one me one night. Yours was convenient so I have been using yours to satisfy my needs. I know it was wrong of me to do so, but I couldn't help myself. To be honest, I think yours is better than mine, but that does not make it right. I tell you this now as I am wanting to pay you for the service. What do I owe you?"

Jack read the email and instantly went into an uncontrollable rage. He grabbed a tire iron, went over to Fred's house and literally beat him to death. Upon catching his breath, he went back to his house to find yet another text from Fred. It read:
"Stupid spell checker, I meant "wifi".
 
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