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- Thread starter graham-xrf
- Start date
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2012
- Messages
- 4,121
Common tools and their uses.
ARC WELDER: An industrial tanning machine that also drops molten steel down
into your shoes thus teaching how to dance at the same time.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
ARC WELDER: An industrial tanning machine that also drops molten steel down
into your shoes thus teaching how to dance at the same time.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2017
- Messages
- 2,138
Before calling the wire twister, try a blue wrench.
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2013
- Messages
- 1,190
The hammer is your most reliable tool that you have. Even when you miss the nail, you will still hit a nail(thumbnail, that is).
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2012
- Messages
- 4,121
The above is how you can prove "Magic" still works.The hammer is your most reliable tool that you have. Even when you miss the nail, you will still hit a nail(thumbnail, that is).
The biggest problem is we have forgotten most of the spells.
Magic can be defined as "Causing a change in the physical universe through the use of gesture and incantation".
This can be proven empirically by the following experiment:-
Carry out the actions in the last part of the above post.
Then wave the hand around and say "Oh golly, Oh gosh, by crikey"
Nothing happens, wrong gesture and wrong incantation.
However, if you thrust the throbbing thumb into the mouth and suck hard and shout loudly as many strong swear words as possible the pain miraculously dissipates thus proving the correct gesture and incantation was used which caused a positive change in the physical universe.
This is white magic at work because its a positive change rather than black magic at work which would cause a negative change and end up hurting more.
Science has now come to realise the above is all true and have proven it in the same manner.
Swearing: The Fastest Acting Pain Reliever Of Them All.
Scientists have just proven the unique power of swearing by inventing fake obscenities and comparing them to the classics.
www.forbes.com
- Joined
- May 27, 2016
- Messages
- 3,469
I just knew someone would verify this scientifically! 
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2020
- Messages
- 1,593
I should try that....The above is how you can prove "Magic" still works.
The biggest problem is we have forgotten most of the spells.
Magic can be defined as "Causing a change in the physical universe through the use of gesture and incantation".
This can be proven empirically by the following experiment:-
Carry out the actions in the last part of the above post.
Then wave the hand around and say "Oh golly, Oh gosh, by crikey"
Nothing happens, wrong gesture and wrong incantation.
However, if you thrust the throbbing thumb into the mouth and suck hard and shout loudly as many strong swear words as possible the pain miraculously dissipates thus proving the correct gesture and incantation was used which caused a positive change in the physical universe.
This is white magic at work because its a positive change rather than black magic at work which would cause a negative change and end up hurting more.
Science has now come to realise the above is all true and have proven it in the same manner.
YMMVSwearing: The Fastest Acting Pain Reliever Of Them All.
Scientists have just proven the unique power of swearing by inventing fake obscenities and comparing them to the classics.