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I came home quite late last night with a torn shirt, lipstick on the collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like a wreck.
My wife caught me coming in the door and demanded to know why I had came home so late.

I replied, "Well, after I left work today, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks.
We met up with some rather good-looking young women and started to drink to excess.
Things just kept happening, as you can well see.
Then I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home."

She screamed, "You liar! You were in the shop again, weren't you?"
 
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 
A guy from Houston dies and goes to hell. The devil assigns him a room and comes by to check on him the next day. The devil asks him, “Well, how do you like it down here?” and gives an evil laugh.

The guy says, “Heck, I’m from Houston, I love hot weather. This is just like a day in June.”

So the devil thinks to himself, “I’ll show him!” and he cranks the thermostat up an extra 10 degrees. He comes by to check on the guy the next day asks him,“Well, how do you like it down here now, wise guy?”

The guy says, “I’m loving it. This is just like a day in July back home.”

So the devil cranks the thermostat up as far as it will go. He comes by to check on the guy the next day asks him,“Well, how do you like it down here now? Hot enough for you yet?”

The guy says, “It just keeps getting better, thank you so much! This is just like a day in August back home. My favorite time of the year.”

So the devil thinks to himself, “So, this guy LIKES the heat, doe he? Let’s see how he likes THIS!!” and he turns the thermostat down to super cool. The next day, it’s so cold that icicles are hanging everywhere. The devil looks in on the guy and sees him dancing a jig, turning flips and yelling, “Woohoo! Yay! Woohoo!”

The devil is furious to see the guy so happy and screams “What’s wrong with you? You love the heat and there are icicles everywhere! How can you possibly be so happy?!”

“The Texans won the Super Bowl! The Texans won the Super Bowl!”
 
savarin said:
I came home quite late last night with a torn shirt, lipstick on the collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like a wreck.
My wife caught me coming in the door and demanded to know why I had came home so late.

I replied, "Well, after I left work today, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks.
We met up with some rather good-looking young women and started to drink to excess.
Things just kept happening, as you can well see.
Then I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home."

She screamed, "You liar! You were in the shop again, weren't you?"
Click to expand...

My wife refers to the shop as "the other woman".
 
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