2018 Archive

[Forty Niner]

.... because there are more ducks on one side of the VEE.

 

[RandyM]

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. ​

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. ​

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. ​

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." ​

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" ​

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" ​

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"​

 

[savarin]

A Mexican magician says he'll disappear on the count of three:
Uno... Dos...Poof!
He disappeared...without a tres.

 

[savarin]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker...but when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

[savarin]

The Irony of life

The Lawyer hopes You get into trouble,

The Doctor hopes You get sick,

The Police hopes You become a Criminal,

The Landlord hopes You don’t buy a House,

The Dentist hopes Your Tooth Decays,

The Mechanic hopes Your Car Breaksdown,

The Coffin Maker wants You dead.

Only a Thief wishes You “Prosperity in life”
And Also Wishes “You have a Sound Sleep”

 

[savarin]

‘Laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life.” -Shakespeare

“Laughing at your wife’s mistakes can shorten you life.” -Shakespear’s Wife

 

[savarin]

The ferry was about to sink and a man was standing frightened in a life boat and promised 1000 dollars to the one who was willing to rescue his wife. A couple of other men in the life boat hear this call and jump into the water to find his wife.
A couple of minutes later one of them returns with an exhausted woman.
Here she is – now give me the 1000 dollars!
That is not my wife. That is my mother-in-law…
Oh Crap… so how much do I owe you?

 

[Groundhog]

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says, “What can I get you?”
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I’m afraid we don’t.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren’t you in here yesterday? Look buddy, we don’t have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice.
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What’s your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON’T HAVE ANY GRAPES! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I’m going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
“What the heck do YOU want?”
Umm. Do you have any nails?
What!? Of course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

 

[magicniner]

How many Millennial Snowflakes does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they're all so Special that they call someone else to do it for them ;-)

 

[Bob Korves]

The ferry was about to sink and a man was standing frightened in a life boat and promised 1000 dollars to the one who was willing to rescue his wife. A couple of other men in the life boat hear this call and jump into the water to find his wife.
A couple of minutes later one of them returns with an exhausted woman.
Here she is – now give me the 1000 dollars!
That is not my wife. That is my mother-in-law…
Oh Crap… so how much do I owe you?

Savarin, if you ever come to California, let me know. We will be having a fun party for you with nonstop laughter! I will supply additional hobby machinists to share the fun!