Mothering my mother

[Janderso]

Hey all,
I know many of you are in the golden years or lingering around them. Many of you have gone through or are going through what we are dealing with. Dad's gone now.
My mother is 88.
My wife took her to the emergency room last Friday. She lost the ability to walk and was having trouble with her hands and her speech is affected.
Long story short, she is now in a good aggressive rehab. facility near our home.
She is complaining they are working her too hard. She tells my wife one thing and me another.
My wife observed one of her PT sessions. Mom seems to be avoiding doing the work by asking the PT, personal questions. Avoiding the work.

She was living by herself in a nice apartment near us.
I'm not so sure she is going to be able to return.
That just breaks my heart.

She is not a woman that will do well in a skilled nursing home or even a facility where they offer services while she has an apartment.
This is difficult. Fortunately she has a good investment portfolio we can draw from.
Thankfully we have the trust all squared away, I am a co-trustee with power of attorney, health directive agent etc.

Mom always said, when I get too old to live on my own, just take me out fishing and push me in. We always laughed.
I can't do that.

 

[DavidR8]

I get your situation Jeff. My dad at about the same age was exactly the same. Fiercely independent from the age of 16 after being shipped to Canada from an orphanage in England. Survived the Depression and the Second World War. Wasn't having anything to do with any kind of assisted living, no way no how!

 

[Aukai]

Maybe suggest that if she wants to be independent, that the PT will keep her out of a care home, or we can just put you in one now. It might let her see the advantages of some exercise. My mother went to a care facility after the hospital perforated her bowel during a colonoscope. She got too weak laying in bed healing.

 

[BGHansen]

Sorry to hear that Jeff. My sister and I are dealing with a similar situation with our mom. She was diagnosed with stage 1 lymphoma on 12/1/2020. Those who practice medicine can be extremely frustrating to work with. There are doctors who get A's and doctors who get C's, both end up practicing. My mom is in a rehab facility with a G-J (gastro jejunum) tube for feeding plus TPN (total parenteal nutrition). She was doing GREAT a couple of days ago, talked to me for 90 minutes and still had fuel in her tank. Something went south the last couple of days.

Our thoughts and prayers are with your mom and your family. I know first hand what runs through your mind. My sister is retired and has been doing 99% of the work. I feel guilty I haven't retired to help her out.

Bruce

 

[Shootymacshootface]

Sorry to hear Jeff. If she does end up living in a nursing home from here on, make sure you visit as often as possible. The level of care is vastly different when a resident seldom has any visitors.
Sad but true.

 

[tjb]

You are not alone. Here is a great resource:

Atul Gawande’s ‘Being Mortal’ (Published 2014)

Atul Gawande believes that the medical profession’s job is to “enable well-being,” not just strive for survival.

www.nytimes.com

Regards,
Terry

 

[C-Bag]

I too am sorry to hear it. I know this process all too well.

Lost my mom to a super long protracted bout with lung cancer in the early 90’s. Then around 2k lost 8 relatives and my dog in rapid succession over 2yrs one right after another. 6mo later my FIL. Last May my dad passed. He was gone in about 3wks.

Everybody is different but nobody wants to be in a home. But most folks just can’t do the round the clock care and deal with the grief to do it at home. Especially if you’re still working. It IS a hard place to be.

 

[mikey]

Tough situation, Jeff. We just went through this with my mother in law. She was fiercely independent but developed pneumonia and had to be hospitalized. We took that opportunity to transition her to an assisted living facility and it was the best thing we could have done. She has a private room, attendants that help her bathe or use the toilet, help brush her teeth, help her dress and just about everything else. They keep her clean and well fed, exercise her as much as she'll tolerate and she has a doctor that sees her monthly. Labs are done on site, along with pedicures and a hairdresser. Bottom line is that she is safe and well cared for.

Just as critical is that her children are not burning out caring for her. She has the resources to fund her care and her children are not fighting about who does what, etc. For us, this is the ideal scenario. You might consider an assisted living facility; if you find the right one, she'll adapt and be safe and surrounded by her peers. Good luck!

 

[jbobb1]

I know your situation very well. It can be tough. My Mom was living alone and driving when she was 90. Had to move her out of her home of 66 years and move to a small apartment. At about 11 months of that, her health took a sharp nose dive and she wound up living with my wife and I for a short time. My wife cared for her and our neighbor who was the same age (that's another story) until her health was too much for my wife to safely handle.

 

[kb58]

Welcome to the club, and it's a huge club. Reading what others are going through, and have gone through, is a great way to maintain your mental strength, but it won't be easy...