Mothering my mother

[Aaron_W]

Sorry to hear that, we went through similar with my mother a few years ago but with dementia. She was living on her own but got a bladder infection and had to be admitted to the hospital in 2016. She was never right after that, and could no longer live alone. My brother and I both tried to take her in for a short time, but she was even beyond that. She needed full time supervision and we ended up having to put her into an assisted living place. By the end of 2018 she was gone. It was only 2 years but it felt like 20, not a good time.

The biggest piece of advice I can offer to someone facing a similar situation you have already dealt with. Get the legal documents in order while she can sign them. If we had been able to get her to sign a power of attorney when she was still competent it would have made things so much easier, but things progressed much faster than we expected.

Mom always said, when I get too old to live on my own, just take me out fishing and push me in. We always laughed.
I can't do that.

Not to get dark, but honestly at my lowest point I serious contemplated taking her for a nice drive out to the coast and reenacting the end of Harold and Maude, one of her favorite movies (and mine). I would have had to borrow a Jaguar though, that damn Volvo would have been survivable.

Make sure you take care of yourself and your wife, it can be brutal to become responsible for a parent and watch someone lose their independence.

 

[Nutfarmer]

We found out it was less expensive to have help come to mom's home until it was to the point she needed 24 hour care. The care home was 9200.00 a month. That can hire quite a bit of help. There does come a time when it does become necessary for a nursing home, but the longer we could keep mom in her own home the better it was for her and cost wise. It's hard. There are no easy answers. If I can be of any help just call.

 

[Janderso]

Thank you for the kind words.
It is nice to know we aren’t alone.
It must be frightening when we get to that place where we can’t tak care of ourselves anymore.
We penciled out in home care with my financial guy.
That won’t work. A quality independent care facility is our fallback position.
Hopefully she will make some progress this week.
She is just getting weaker every month. Now with this new development.
Looks like our fallback may become reality.

 

[tjb]

A quality independent care facility is our fallback position.

If you haven't already done so, read that book, Jeff, if you get the opportunity. That is precisely the issue it addresses.

Regards,
Terry

 

[matthewsx]

90 year old mom i care for in our California home. Im getting a small respite in Michigan the next week or so, a friend of hers is staying there while I’m gone. My wife lives here, but it’s great when she’s out west with us.

Its not easy but know you have friends here that will listen. One of the best things for me is i have a friend who I walk with often and we can vent about our situation since she has an elderly father and cared for her mom many years.

Having money helps but the hard work is still up to you, take care of yourself and your wife, you’re probably in for a time you never wanted or anticipated, but family is all we have in the end.

Wish her a happy Mother’s Day from all of us.

John

 

[kb58]

Me and my siblings have been through all the above, losing our dad to dementia, and now mom's heading the same way. Dementia is a terrible way to go, and for those that are left, it's like watching a loved one slowly drown just out of reach, with no way to help.

I hope that doctor-assisted suicide is a thing for when I get to that point, because the rest home industry is very happy to completely drain all your savings, causing financial grief for the remaining family, and all you get for the money spent, is another few months or a year of misery for everyone involved. Someday medicine will fix dementia, but oh well. If I sound a little cold or callous, yeah, well, the experience makes you that way, frustrated at not being able to fix the problem. Someday there'll be a cure, but not for now.

 

[Ulma Doctor]

I'm very sorry to hear this news Jeff.

my maternal grandmother had broken her hip in her mid 70's
her hip never healed correctly.
due to proximity, my aunt and uncle took care of her.
they did, as long as possible, but their advancing ages were diminishing the care they could offer
my grandmother ended up in an assisted care facility that had the appearance of pleasant surroundings and a professional staff
for whatever reasons, her heath declined rapidly
in the span of 4 months, it was her time to join those who before us come.

i think about mortality often. my view is of acceptance as a part of this gift we are given.
i too soon, will be dealing with these things.
i'm fortunate that both my parents are in good health, so i don't feel immediate strain.
everyday is a gift, spend them with those you love most.

 

[Aukai]

I did a 4 month, LOA from work to take care of my mother in law with stomach cancer. Please find ways to care for loved ones that give the care givers a break. Because of my "medical" background I did 24hr care for her in her last months. The CNAs came in a few times a week and did their thing, and I did not realize how it was affecting me. I'm the type of person to put my head down, and get it done. In the end it had a greater impact on me than I ever thought possible. Sorry this is long, but I just want to share, and hopefully get someone to plan ahead, and make sure everyone involved with caregiving something to think about. Don't do it by yourself.
Jeff I hope your mom gets back her strength, and can still enjoy her independence.

 

[Janderso]

If you haven't already done so, read that book, Jeff, if you get the opportunity. That is precisely the issue it addresses.

Regards,
Terry

I just ordered it-Audible. I can listen on the way to and from work!

 

[Janderso]

I did a 4 month, LOA from work to take care of my mother in law with stomach cancer. Please find ways to care for loved ones that give the care givers a break. Because of my "medical" background I did 24hr care for her in her last months. The CNAs came in a few times a week and did their thing, and I did not realize how it was affecting me. I'm the type of person to put my head down, and get it done. In the end it had a greater impact on me than I ever thought possible. Sorry this is long, but I just want to share, and hopefully get someone to plan ahead, and make sure everyone involved with caregiving something to think about. Don't do it by yourself.
Jeff I hope your mom gets back her strength, and can still enjoy her independence.

Thank you!!