Very Hard Decisions to make about my Dad

Prayers be with you for peace. I went through it too with my mother and Alzheimers. Difficult times for sure, hard decisions to be made for him,and your mom. Hard enough with the support of your family, very cold without. If they choose not to help then they need to stay out entirely, imo. When your dad gets angry or mean, try not to take it personally, it is no longer him as you knew and loved him.
 
Charlie,

Don't jump the gun on a diagnosis... Get your dad hooked up with a geriatric doctor and get him checked-out. The Doc will want to talk to the people that know him and he'll ask questions about behavior changes. Geriatric depression is very common and there are good medications for it now. When folks suffer dementia, it usually starts-out with some strange events like getting lost in familiar places or doing something very odd and out-of-character for that person (like walking outside with no clothes or hearing voices etc). Sudden temperament changes are the calling card of geriatric depression. -Huge difference between that and dementia.

EDIT: Also, old people rarely run a fever when they have an infection but rather, it effects their temperament. Make sure the doc does a blood workup. Bladder infections are most common (usually women but also men if they don't drink a lot of fluids) and every time my Mother-in-law got weird, they would find a bladder infection and she's be fine after a couple days of antibiotics.

EDIT Again: Older folks dehydrate easily because they stop drinking as much fluids because it's hard for them to visit the bathroom. Low order dehydration causes temperament changes...

In any event, I wish you and your family well.

Ray
 
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Charley Davidson said:
My Mom called me Thursday morning and wanted to know if I could come help with my dad, she said he was getting mean & threatening. I immediately dropped what I was doing and went there, He seemed ok but soon as I mentioned cleaning up around the property so they can prepare to move I seen his meanness come out a bit. Unfortunately they have no options but get rid of everything and go back north to live. I know it has to be done but it's hard, we need to take my dad somewhere and he really can't come back cause it will be ugly. My mom asked me if I wanted anything out of the shop and initially I said no but after plundering and reminiscing with my dad I'd like to keep most of it. Some of it is tools he's had for years & some of it is carvings he's done and a lot is just junk.

I have a very short time to decide what to do & how to do it. I'm not sure how long I'll be here but I'm sure well past Thanksgiving.
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Sorry to learn about your father. My father developed Alzheimer's, though he wasn't violent he did wear everyone down. My Mom was the primary caregiver with my sister and myself helping. Also sorry your siblings don't want to help their Mother. Keep us up to date.
 
Charley-

Ray is correct - make sure he's been checked out. I wonder if he is on an anti-depressant, or needs one? I remember my 93 year old great-aunt, who I was responsible for, taking them. Not a fix-all of course.

Nothing easy about this situation. My great aunt started putting flammable objects in the toaster oven, and using olive Oil for dishwasher detergent. When I had to move her into assisted living,
I had a friend take her out for the day, and Then take her straight to the assisted living that evening. When I got her there, her things were all in place, and pictures even on the wall.

She couldn't quite tell what happened, but couldn't remember. But she knew that she hated my guts for it. :(

I know your Dad's things are more dangerous than art supplies, but maybe some of it can go with him? When I moved my aunt, I put as much of her artwork and art supplies into her new room.

It sounds like your Dad is a little "too with it" to fool like this? PM me if you ever want to talk man. I mean it.


Bernie
 
Ray C said:
Charlie,

Don't jump the gun on a diagnosis... Get your dad hooked up with a geriatric doctor and get him checked-out. The Doc will want to talk to the people that know him and he'll ask questions about behavior changes. Geriatric depression is very common and there are good medications for it now. When folks suffer dementia, it usually starts-out with some strange events like getting lost in familiar places or doing something very odd and out-of-character for that person (like walking outside with no clothes or hearing voices etc). Sudden temperament changes are the calling card of geriatric depression. -Huge difference between that and dementia.

EDIT: Also, old people rarely run a fever when they have an infection but rather, it effects their temperament. Make sure the doc does a blood workup. Bladder infections are most common (usually women but also men if they don't drink a lot of fluids) and every time my Mother-in-law got weird, they would find a bladder infection and she's be fine after a couple days of antibiotics.

EDIT Again: Older folks dehydrate easily because they stop drinking as much fluids because it's hard for them to visit the bathroom. Low order dehydration causes temperament changes...

In any event, I wish you and your family well.

Ray
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Unfortunately my dad was diagnosed with dementia a year or so ago so I'm sure it is. But you do bring up an interesting thing about the bladder thing because he was having issues but I think they have been taken care of. The Dr. has taken his driving priveleages also. I fear my mom may be in danger if they stay in this secluded place that is basically cutoff to everybody when it snows and the can't get in or out for weeks. I can't take any chances and my moms health is not the best both physical & mental. My dad will ask the exact same questions 8 or 10 times in a 5 minute period sometimes. This needs to be done, trust me I don't want to do it but I have to. My dad does nothing with his tools anymore, he just goes in his shop and looks at things, sleeps or hides things. He thinks someone has taken things but they have not. I need to get my mom away by herself to talk to her about what she wants to do wth the tools and stuff in his shop, she has mentioned taking them to an auction. They are not hurting for money as they have a sizeable nest egg and their home is paid for. I would like to keep a lot of his tools and other stuff for a few reasons. They are useable to me, there is some attachment to some of them as he's either had them from when I was a teen or once actually belonged to me when I owned my cabinet shop, I would like to be surounded by things my dad owned, used or made.

I do wish you were right but time is not on my side or theirs to further check into this. If I don't handle it a stranger will. It breaks my heart it really does.
 
Ray, My dad has done some strange things and that was the reasoning for getting him checked for dementia. I'm not sure about getting lost per say but he has been very confused. In Gattlinburg he went into someones hotel room and got some pizza out of a box on the dresser, My mom asked him where he got it and he said "In our room" they were already checked out a kinda funny story but still a dangerous thing.

Bernie, You are right, he is still a bit "Too with it" to trick too much but I'm against a rock and a hard place.
 
Good morning Charlie,

My heart goes out to you and your family. My mom has been in a home for almost two years now with Alzhiemers. Her signs of it coming were, tripping and falling down, like she was tripping herself with her own foot, as well as... she constantly told stories about when she was a child... over and over. I suppose she felt more comfortable with that instead of trying to have a conversation.

The people that are taking care of her are wonderful and are so good with all of the patients. It's very difficult and emotional to see her like this at times, but sometimes she still makes me laugh and sometimes... just for a few seconds... She's back... :)

I can't give you any advice, but your idea sounds like the best way. Be prepared for feeling guilty. It goes with the territory, but don't beat yourself up about it.

I wish you all the best.

Brian :)
 
We went through (are still going through) the same thing with my mother in law. We first noticed that she would tell the same story over and over again, sometimes within a few minutes. As others have said above, a consultation with a geriatric specialist is a must at this point. Also a living will, and if he's willing, a complete power of attorney to a family member to handle his affairs ("just in case, Dad").

At first, she was able to continue living in her own home (my father in law had passed away a few years earlier) with my wife coming to visit regularly, but she got more and more confused. Before we took away her car keys she would do things like driving to church on a weekday morning and wait an hour in the parking lot wondering where everybody else is. After she got lost taking a walk around neighborhood in her nightgown (a passing stranger, we still don't know who, helped her back) we brought her to live with us. Unfortunately, by that time (we learned later) she had lost a large portion of her money at Atlantic City casinos (when her husband was alive they went there for the occasional show, but no heavy gambling).

She lived with us for a year but after one particularly grueling week when she tried to leave every night around 3am-- she thought she was going to walk back to here house (Connecticut to NJ!) we reluctantly placed her in a "memory care" facility where they know how to deal with this kind of thing. She's still there, seems happy, though she talks mostly gibberish nowadays.

I wish you luck. It's a difficult road.
 
OK, I gotcha... It sounds like you're on top of the matter and that's to be congratulated. I wasn't aware he already had a dementia diagnosis. Do indeed keep an eye open for infections. Like others here, I've been through the full cycle of this 3 times with Mother, MIL and FIL. I'm now out of state and my sisters care for my father whose 95 y/o now. My MIL had full blown Alzheimers and we cared for her for the last 10 years. She would often take a turn for the worse by forgetting who we were and being a little mean and disoriented but, the experienced geriatric specialists knew enough to check for infections -and sure enough, they would find a low grade respiratory or bladder infection. She'd spring right back after a couple days of antibiotics. For some reason, really old folks tend not get high body temperature when they have an infection so we had no way to really know what was going on.

Anyhow, you're doing the right thing by taking care of them. If you let someone else do it, they'll go right after every penny within reach. Very few of the "care organizations" involved in this kind of care, are doing it for the sake of humanity... -They're ultimately in it for the money.

I'm sorry to speak such stark words -but after 3 go-arounds with this, I think I'm qualified to comment.

You're doing the right thing. Keep the technical game separate from the emotional one -and all will be well.


Ray



Charley Davidson said:
Unfortunately my dad was diagnosed with dementia a year or so ago so I'm sure it is. But you do bring up an interesting thing about the bladder thing because he was having issues but I think they have been taken care of. The Dr. has taken his driving priveleages also. I fear my mom may be in danger if they stay in this secluded place that is basically cutoff to everybody when it snows and the can't get in or out for weeks. I can't take any chances and my moms health is not the best both physical & mental. My dad will ask the exact same questions 8 or 10 times in a 5 minute period sometimes. This needs to be done, trust me I don't want to do it but I have to. My dad does nothing with his tools anymore, he just goes in his shop and looks at things, sleeps or hides things. He thinks someone has taken things but they have not. I need to get my mom away by herself to talk to her about what she wants to do wth the tools and stuff in his shop, she has mentioned taking them to an auction. They are not hurting for money as they have a sizeable nest egg and their home is paid for. I would like to keep a lot of his tools and other stuff for a few reasons. They are useable to me, there is some attachment to some of them as he's either had them from when I was a teen or once actually belonged to me when I owned my cabinet shop, I would like to be surounded by things my dad owned, used or made.

I do wish you were right but time is not on my side or theirs to further check into this. If I don't handle it a stranger will. It breaks my heart it really does.
Click to expand...
 
Ray C said:
Anyhow, you're doing the right thing by taking care of them. If you let someone else do it, they'll go right after every penny within reach. Very few of the "care organizations" involved in this kind of care, are doing it for the sake of humanity... -They're ultimately in it for the money.

I'm sorry to speak such stark words -but after 3 go-arounds with this, I think I'm qualified to comment.

You're doing the right thing. Keep the technical game separate from the emotional one -and all will be well.


Ray
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I agree totally. That little nest egg and the paid off house will slip right through your parents fingers. Those places do provide a useful service. Here's the rub: they will deplete all the assets first before the state takes over. If they have significant assets, it's your duty to try and protect them to the best of your ability. There are also asset planning routes you can take, but I'm not even remotely qualified to speak on that.

Marcel
 
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