Mothering my mother

[Janderso]

Jeff,

I have a tear in my eye right now.
It's not fair for her to feel like a burden at her new home.
She needs and deserves to feel welcome and secure!

Do they have the right staff to assess the causes of her falls?
Rugs and flooring transitions can be a problem.
So can simple disorientation, dehydration, medication changes, etc.

I wish you and her all the best!

Brian

brino,
Come to find out, she was not pushing her button for help. She was trying to do everything herself.
I spoke to the gal that runs the place this morning.
She said she would make a special effort to explain that she can push that button for every little thing she needs. That's why you have it. So we can help you when you need it.
She also said, we aren't going to kick her out!!
They removed the rugs even though mom thought they looked nice. (Women)??
Waiting for a call back from the Post care supervisor to determine what level of strength or function she left and why she doesn't have a wheelchair?
I hate to sound like a mooch but if she is this much of a fall risk, she shouldn't be using a walker.

 

[Papa Charlie]

brino,
Come to find out, she was not pushing her button for help. She was trying to do everything herself.
I spoke to the gal that runs the place this morning.
She said she would make a special effort to explain that she can push that button for every little thing she needs. That's why you have it. So we can help you when you need it.
She also said, we aren't going to kick her out!!
They removed the rugs even though mom thought they looked nice. (Women)??
Waiting for a call back from the Post care supervisor to determine what level of strength or function she left and why she doesn't have a wheelchair?
I hate to sound like a mooch but if she is this much of a fall risk, she shouldn't be using a walker.

There may be more to this story than has been made available. She no doubt is afraid of going to a more restrictive environment type of facility. So she may be trying to prove that she is more capable than she is. The walker may be the cause or just added to the situation that she is creating. Walking, if she can would be very beneficial to her health so I would say a wheel chair is the last resort.

I hope that she is able to begin to relax and settle in to her new home. I will say my prayers.

She sounds a lot my dad. When I went down to visit him while he was still in the hospital, they were fussing over him so much he finally answered there question of "can I do anything else for you" by responding "Yes, get the hell out of my room, leave me a lone and let me have my breakfast.". While my dad didn't have an issue with them not allowing him to stay, he wanted to go home, he did have an issue with them fussing over him. Hard to deal with for a really independent guy, that helped support his family by collecting whiskey bottles to sell back to boot leggers during the depression and left the military to take care of his mother when my grandfather left.

 

[Janderso]

There may be more to this story than has been made available. She no doubt is afraid of going to a more restrictive environment type of facility. So she may be trying to prove that she is more capable than she is. The walker may be the cause or just added to the situation that she is creating. Walking, if she can would be very beneficial to her health so I would say a wheel chair is the last resort.

I hope that she is able to begin to relax and settle in to her new home. I will say my prayers.

She sounds a lot my dad. When I went down to visit him while he was still in the hospital, they were fussing over him so much he finally answered there question of "can I do anything else for you" by responding "Yes, get the hell out of my room, leave me a lone and let me have my breakfast.". While my dad didn't have an issue with them not allowing him to stay, he wanted to go home, he did have an issue with them fussing over him. Hard to deal with for a really independent guy, that helped support his family by collecting whiskey bottles to sell back to boot leggers during the depression and left the military to take care of his mother when my grandfather left.

Your dad sounds like my kind of guy.
I think you're right about her trying to do too much. I think you nailed it.

 

[Janderso]

Mom, with a walker, walked into her new assisted living apartment a week ago, she sat down and hasn't stood since.
I have to ask myself, is this due to the mental side of her outlook on her place in life or is it due to her physical health? or is it both?
She has gone downhill more and more everyday.
She has nausea all the time and usually loses her small breakfast. She has blurred vision, she can't focus. She is becoming weaker everyday.
She is confused, has slurred speech and answers questions in one syllable words.
She has fallen several times.
She told my wife, I'm just tired of life, I just want to die.
She told me the same thing.

I know her feelings on end of life and comfort care. The trick is to know when to stop life saving drugs and when to begin comfort care. She also has to qualify for medicare Hospice for them to step in.

The home health social worker is working with her today and we have a hospice medical worker scheduled to interview her.

I did not expect her to go through this the moment she stepped into this new environment.
We have all her things arranged nicely, she is in her bed.

Tough times for the old gal.

Make sure your kids know your end of life choices.

 

[Papa Charlie]

Very sorry to hear about your mother. Have you questioned the staff about what medications she is getting and if she has access to them on her own.
Hard to fathom that her health would change so quickly on upon entering her assisted living environment.
I will pray for her and the family. I know this is hard on her, but also the entire family.

 

[jbolt]

Jeff, just had a chance to read this thread. I am so sorry to hear what your mother and family are going through. Not a part of life any of us look forward to.

My wife lost her father to brain cancer six months after we got married. Had you not known his situation you would not have known he was sick until the last four weeks, then it took him fast. Very hard to watch. He did radiation to shrink the tumor to try and keep lucid as long as possible but refused chemo as he knew how it can affect your quality of life. My wife and her mother, a retired nurse, took care of him until his passing.

Five years later we packed up all our stuff, put them in storage, rented our house and moved in with her mother to help her as she was dealing with emphysema. Emphysema is a terrible way to exit this world. A long slow suffocation. I didn't want to move in but she begged us for a year before we finally did. Mostly due to my wife's older brother who was making her mothers life even more miserable. We didn't really understand what we were getting ourselves into. I was working seven days a week keeping my young business alive and my wife was raising a one year old and caring for her mother. She passed two years later, three months before our second child was born. It was one of the most stressful times of our lives but we have no regrets.

I lost my mother unexpectantly five years ago one month short of her 82nd birthday. She had a heart condition but seemed to be managing it well with medication, was active and full of life. I had an unusually long and wonderful conversation with her a few days before. She passed quietly one evening while reading her bible. Her mother had dementia and she had always been terrified it would happen to her. While we miss her dearly I take comfort that she did not suffer.

Now my grandfather on my dads side had a hard life, worked everyday of his life from the time he was a child, had a fox farm, ran cattle, grew potatoes, beans and hay, was the county water master and owned a tavern in a mostly Mormon community. Outlived my grandmother and a second wife. He didn't drink but his third wife was a professional chain smoker so he might have well been a smoker himself. Ate all the wrong things and didn't take the greatest of care of himself. In his 92nd year, half blind but still driving a ratty 30 year old Datsun pickup, came home one day and announced to his wife that he had sold the tavern and the acreage, set her up a trust and said he was done. He passed three weeks later napping in his recliner. My hero.

We miss those we have lost but are grateful for the time we had together.

I hope the best for your mother, you and your family.

 

[brino]

Mom, with a walker, walked into her new assisted living apartment a week ago, she sat down and hasn't stood since.
I have to ask myself, is this due to the mental side of her outlook on her place in life or is it due to her physical health? or is it both?
She has gone downhill more and more everyday.

The problem is a little "chicken and egg"....... is she deteriorating more rapidly because she's there, or is she there because she's deteriorating more rapidly?

I hope everything stabilizes and you can enjoy some more quality time together.

Brian

 

[Janderso]

Jeff, just had a chance to read this thread. I am so sorry to hear what your mother and family are going through. Not a part of life any of us look forward to.

My wife lost her father to brain cancer six months after we got married. Had you not known his situation you would not have known he was sick until the last four weeks, then it took him fast. Very hard to watch. He did radiation to shrink the tumor to try and keep lucid as long as possible but refused chemo as he knew how it can affect your quality of life. My wife and her mother, a retired nurse, took care of him until his passing.

Five years later we packed up all our stuff, put them in storage, rented our house and moved in with her mother to help her as she was dealing with emphysema. Emphysema is a terrible way to exit this world. A long slow suffocation. I didn't want to move in but she begged us for a year before we finally did. Mostly due to my wife's older brother who was making her mothers life even more miserable. We didn't really understand what we were getting ourselves into. I was working seven days a week keeping my young business alive and my wife was raising a one year old and caring for her mother. She passed two years later, three months before our second child was born. It was one of the most stressful times of our lives but we have no regrets.

I lost my mother unexpectantly five years ago one month short of her 82nd birthday. She had a heart condition but seemed to be managing it well with medication, was active and full of life. I had an unusually long and wonderful conversation with her a few days before. She passed quietly one evening while reading her bible. Her mother had dementia and she had always been terrified it would happen to her. While we miss her dearly I take comfort that she did not suffer.

Now my grandfather on my dads side had a hard life, worked everyday of his life from the time he was a child, had a fox farm, ran cattle, grew potatoes, beans and hay, was the county water master and owned a tavern in a mostly Mormon community. Outlived my grandmother and a second wife. He didn't drink but his third wife was a professional chain smoker so he might have well been a smoker himself. Ate all the wrong things and didn't take the greatest of care of himself. In his 92nd year, half blind but still driving a ratty 30 year old Datsun pickup, came home one day and announced to his wife that he had sold the tavern and the acreage, set her up a trust and said he was done. He passed three weeks later napping in his recliner. My hero.

We miss those we have lost but are grateful for the time we had together.

I hope the best for your mother, you and your family.

Jbolt,
Dang man,
That’s a tough Few years you had there.
Thank you for your kind and heartfelt thoughts

 

[Janderso]

Trying to navigate hospice at this point.She needs a doctors referral.
She is tired, she doesn’t want to work hard to stay in assisted living, the choices are, skilled nursing or hospice.
Come on, skilled nursing, how the hell will she get stronger?
She doesn’t want to live!
Difficult times.

 

[Papa Charlie]

Trying to navigate hospice at this point.She needs a doctors referral.
She is tired, she doesn’t want to work hard to stay in assisted living, the choices are, skilled nursing or hospice.
Come on, skilled nursing, how the hell will she get stronger?
She doesn’t want to live!
Difficult times.

Very sorry to hear this. Very difficult for her and the family. But I can understand her point of view too, quality of life is important and for people who have been independent their entire life, it is hard to just relinquish that freedom to strangers.
My prayers and good wishes go out to your mom and to your family.